Sunday, January 2, 2011

sitting still

I've always been a bit of a busy doesn't help that I love coffee, and the buzz of caffeine running through my veins is better than any drug I've ever tried. It's funny - when I was pregnant with Cole my body turned on me. I became very still. I had given up coffee, cold turkey, entirely the day I found out I was pregnant and I was obviously tired growing this beautiful baby inside of me, but I became a very quiet person. I went from having ADHD to being somewhat subdued. I didn't want to knit, could hardly watch a 30 minute sitcom (unless it was Glee or Private Practice...I love Taye Diggs, and even had a hard time carrying on a conversation. Apparently this was nature's way of preparing myself for now, today, having a child.

I didn't recognize my pregnant self...I was quiet and somewhat of an introvert. It made me a little nervous- anyone that really knows me knows I had many fears when it came to having a child. This new personality wasn't helping. I've always been a go-go-go person and all of a sudden my Energizer bunny was taking a siesta.

Now, almost 4 months in to motherhood, and with the caffeine back in full gear, I find myself back to my old self...At first I thought it was the rush of having a new baby at home, the adrenaline, the excitement. By week two I was completely exhausted, but sitting still wasn't an option. I have come to the realization that sitting still, doing nothing, is a luxury unknown to me. According to my Facebook status today I was declaring it "stay in your PJ's and do nothing day". Did I do that? Well, sort of, part of the way, but in my defense, I really don't know how to do that. There are so many things I want to do, need to do, HAVE to do that when I have a moment to sit still it's usually not a moment when I can do just that. Even now, with less than 12 hours before I'll be back to the grindstone of work, I should be zoning out in front of the TV, but instead I find myself wanting to update my blog.

It's not all bad, and I don't mean to sound like I'm complaining, I am just learning that my life has changed. I welcome 2011 and realize that my life, as I've known it for the last 33 years, is changing. For the good. In the past, on Sunday evenings I found myself watching Desperate Housewives in denial that I had to work in the morning. I would veg out staying up until 11pm or so, maybe grading a few papers. Now I still find myself in denial about working, but my evenings are much different and end much earlier. I jumped on to the computer after putting Cole down for bed. We've developed somewhat of a bedtime routine. The parenting blogs and websites tell me that is something I should be doing. Our routine goes something like this...around 8pm we start to settle down, put jammies on, rock in the recliner, watch a little TV, relax together. By 8:15-8:30ish, I am feeding him one more time before bedtime. That usually goes pretty quickly. By 9pm we put on a clean diaper and retreat to Cole's nursery. We put on his favorite night light and pick out Mom's two favorite books by Nancy Tillman- On the Night You Were Born and Wherever You Are. While quietly read these stories to Cole I rock him and remind him how much Dad and I love and cherish him. Then I quietly turn on his iPod and play Mom's two favorite "Cole" songs- Anything Like Me by Brad Paisley and Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift. By that time Cole is getting sleepy and fallling into the slumber state. I lie him down and stare in awe and wonderment at the bundle before me. When I walk away I'm usually exhausted myself, ready to call it a night.

This evening ritual is just one of the many changes that have become my world in the last few months...for the first time in my life I'm really looking forward to the year ahead. I can't wait to see what this year will bring in my world with Cole.

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