Monday, January 17, 2011

saying goodbye to my selfish ways

One of my biggest fears about becoming a mom was losing myself. In the blink of an eye I went from being Kate to being Mom. It's crazy really how quickly that change takes place. As a little girl, I didn't grow up wanting to become to a mom. I never really thought about having kids. It's not that I didn't like kids, I just didn't think about it. I was never much of a babysitter, and in all honesty I viewed myself as the "baby" in the family. Having a baby didn't cross my mind. I didn't crave that like so many of my friends had. Meeting Jim, and seeing him interact with children, changed my mind to having kids. All of a sudden I realized that this man that I fell in love with was amazing with kids and truly born to be a dad. I knew deep down I had to give it a try...if it was possible, being a mom would be on our marital agenda.

Between friends, family, and co-workers a lot of amazing women in my world have become mothers, and I have had the opportunity to learn from so many of them. One thing I did learn from some of these incredible women is that being Mom is hard work. Very hard work. I used to say marriage was the hardest job I ever had...I now take that back. Motherhood is the hardest job I've ever had. PLEASE DO NOT MISUNDERSTAND THIS POST...I love Cole and I LOVE being a Mom, but one of my biggest fears has come true to a certain degree. I have realized how easy it is to say temporarily say goodbye to all of the things I love for the needs of my son. At one point I told myself I would never do that, but at this point in my life I realize it's just something I need to do for Cole and for our family.

I can admit to myself and others, that I was a selfish person when it came to doing the things I love and enjoy in life. Jim and I had the understanding that he could fish when he wanted to fish and I could golf, work out, craft, go out with friends, etc. whenever I wanted. I always said I didn't want to lose that when we had children. At this point in the game, I have had to say goodbye to some of these selfish ways...I've given up some of these things because I want to, not really  because I had to. Would I love to go and work out after work? Sure, but it's not realistic for me right now. Would I love to go out to dinner every other week with my girlfriends? ABSOLUTELY, but right now spending time with Cole is a little more important to me. To my dear, dear friends...please do not hold this against me or be upset if I turn down a night out. I'm again being selfish, just in a different way.

This is temporary, I understand that. By the time summer rolls around, Cole will be a little older, Jim and I will be off of work and it'll get easier for me to jump back in to some of the things I love. For now, I am just enjoying watching Cole grow and change and I'm telling myself that I will have time to get back into the size 4 jeans, I will have time to enjoy a glass of wine with the ladies, I will have time to sew that book sling I want to hang in Cole's room...the time will come. Just enjoy today...this moment.

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