Friday, December 3, 2010

I Survived...and so did Cole

Daddy dressed me this morning.

I survived my first week back at work. It was extremely hard to leave Cole, but I must admit that the week did fly by. I have always enjoyed the weekends, but I have never looked forward to a Friday more than I did today.

For those of you that know me, you know that I like to be in control- in control of conversations, situations, my life in general. I left for work early Monday morning and I had to give up control of one of the most important things in my life...Cole. Never would I have guessed I'd feel that ache inside when I shut the door behind me. I sat in my car, in the driveway, for a few minutes staring at the house wishing I could go back inside with him.

Yes, I understand I was leaving Cole with Dad and that everything would be okay, but the feelings of letting go still overwhelmed me. You have to realize that I had spent almost every minute with this child for the past 12 weeks. He needed me. Cole wasn't taking bottles very well so I was afraid he'd go hungry. He was having issues taking a BM and I knew how to comfort him. He needed his mom.

Well, I learned very quickly that he also needed his dad. And more importantly, his dad needed Cole.

As the days went by I realized that Jim was in his element and doing quite well spending all day with Cole. He'd text me during the day with cute pictures- mind you his outfit selections wouldn't have been my first choice, but I was just thrilled to see him smiling and laughing. By Wednesday Dad and Cole had figured out the bottles and all was well.

As much as that relieved me, selfishly it also made me a little sad inside...Cole was no longer 100% dependent on me. I know that sounds awful- yes I want Jim to be a part of this Cole's life and goodness knows it's nice that he can give him a bottle and allow me a break, but it was hard to let go of that.

I'd come home in the evenings and if Cole was fussy, Jim was quick to tell me the new way he liked to be held, or even that he didn't want to be held that much, just laid on the floor to kick around. He was doing to me, what I had done to him for the first 12 weeks. When you spend 9+ hours alone with this adorable little guy you figure him out. You get to know what he likes, doesn't like, when to be concerned by a squawk, and when the squeak just means he's talking.

I have to realize that I'm not missing out on my little guy's life. I'm allowing others to enjoy him along side me. Being the control freak that I am though, I just wish I was the first to be witnessing some of these events. The day is going to come when he rolls over for the first time or starts to crawl...what if I'm not there to witness those major milestones?

Now that I have a week under my belt, I can say I secretly enjoyed being back at work. Trust me when I say I'd MUCH RATHER be home snuggling with Cole, drinking coffee, and playing together, but my students really do bring joy to my life. My job, as demanding as it is everyday, really provides me with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. It's probably good that I am on stage all day because it really makes the hours and days fly by.

We miss you Mom!
After I had Cole, the week I came home from the hospital, I told Jim that I had fallen in love with him all over again. On Thursday afternoon I was on my way to a boring meeting after a long day of teaching...I didn't think I could take another minute and just wanted to go home. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and looked at it to see a message from Jim. Cole was grinning from ear to ear in an adorable little onesie. At that moment I fell in love with Jim a third time...all over again. For knowing what I needed at that exact moment. For taking care of my son and for being sure to share that moment with me so I too could be there to see the giggles.
I survived my first week back at work. I have learned to use my time wisely during the day so I can cherish my evenings at home with Cole. I have learned that it's healthy for me to let certain things go and hand off control to others once in a while. Most importantly though, I have witnessed the blossoming of a beautiful and long-lasting relationship between a son and his adoring father. For that I am grateful.

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