Thursday, September 30, 2010

Choices...

Motherhood has been very good to me, I will say that out loud...but I have realized that although I've been blessed with a healthy baby, I am now faced with countless choices. Choices that leave me stressed, overwhelmed, confused, and questioning everything.

The first three weeks of Cole's life have really been easy- he eats well, sleeps fairly often, and poops/pees on schedule. The doctor has seen him and says he's healthy, what more could I ask for? This past Monday rolled around and he started acting fussy during feedings. I didn't think much of it until Tuesday. I swear this kid cried most of Tuesday- the only thing that could quiet him was a long walk around the neighborhood. I'm glad it was almost 70 degrees and I was able to get out with him for almost an hour. I felt like everytime to fed, he fussed at my breast and then started crying. I didn't know why...Wednesday started out okay, but then we went to the breastfeeding support group and during a feeding he vomited everything he had just eaten and then sent out blood curdling cries. It took everything in me not to break down and cry.

I contacted the doctor and we're watching him for the next few days to see if it could possibly be acid reflux. I don't want to put him on medicine if it's just gas or something, but it makes feeding time very stressful, wondering if he's going to suck things down fine or if he's going to fuss and cry. Babies cry, I get that, but this is not just a cry...it's awful.

On top of that, this Saturday is the Farm Aid concert at Miller Park. Jim and I bought tickets this past summer thinking he'd be a month old and it would be easy to leave him with a grandma for the day. We had plenty of volunteer babysitters...well, the little guy was a week late, so he's only going to be 3 1/2 weeks old and I haven't given him a bottle yet. I've been pumping and I have milk for him frozen, but I don't know if it's too early to start him on a bottle. I thought a month old would have been bigger than this. He's still so little- probably because he's not even a month old.

What am I afraid of? Well, what if he doesn't want the bottle? What if he finds a bottle easier and faster than breastfeeding and then doesn't want to come back to the breast? Do I really want to leave him an entire day already? I feel like noone gets it...I now understand how it's always easier to make decisions when you're not the mother...CHOICES. I thought about taking him to the concert/festival for a while and carrying him in the sling or Bjorn. He likes both and Jim and I could take turns carrying him. I carry him around in it daily while I pick up the house and what not- mainly just to get him used to being in it...Then I wonder if people will think it's nuts to take such a young baby to Farm Aid...

All I want is what is best for Cole...I know I could skip the concert, that Jim would understand, but I want to go. It's going to be a great show, I am just torn with what to do with my Cole. It doesn't help that this concert is coming at the end of my hardest week so far as a mom...

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